Woman Sends Sister’s Kids to Foster Care Because She Doesn’t Want to Adopt Them
When tragedy strikes your family, you want to do everything you can to help out – and when that involves looking after small children, it should be a no-brainer. Shouldn’t it?
But when this 26yo woman was confronted with the awful situation of her older sister dying and leaving behind three children, the realities of what she was expected to do has overwhelmed her.
My (26F) older sister, Ella (32F), tragically passed away a few months ago, leaving behind her three children, aged 4, 6, and 8. Ella was a single mom, and the kids' father isn't in the picture. Now, I'm their only *living* relative, as our mom died a few years ago and our Dad, though technically alive, is a hopeless and violent alcoholic. When Ella died suddenly 2 months ago her friends and neighbours were amazing. The kids were initially looked after by the next door neighbour, and then some of their school friend's families took the older ones in, though they hated being separated. It was pretty tough, but the love and support I also got from my friends made a difference as I made funeral arrangements and started dealing with all her finances and other details. The landlord was initially generous and gave me "as much time as I need" to move out of her place but later said that he really could only afford to give three months without rent. We are supposed to move out in a week. A lawyer friend of mine helped with much of the legal stuff and other friends with packing up her home etc
But the OP, through her grief made ‘promises’ to the children that she fears she can’t keep.
During this time I told the children that I would ensure that they were all looked after and loved for the rest of their lives. I've always been very close to my niece and nephews so I knew that they would feel happy about that. I was their only family now. Although in the height of my grief I may have thought that I could look after all three of them, in hindsight, the thought of being their legal guardian became overwhelming. I'm a single woman with a demanding career and a small apartment. I barely manage my own life, let alone the responsibility of three young kids. My friends say it's a no-brainer that I should take them in, but I honestly don't feel equipped for this. The alternative, though, is that they go into foster care, which breaks my heart. But I've already started making the legal arrangements and have made contact with the state's child protective services.
The OP is conflicted between her sense of duty as an aunt and the practical challenges she faces, fearing she might not provide adequate care and resent the drastic changes in her life.
I'm torn between my duty as their aunt and the reality of my capabilities and resources. I know I would resent the change in my life if I were to adopt them and I wouldn't be able to provide them the care they deserve anyway. But yes, the thought of them being lost in the foster system haunts me. I've been losing sleep over this. I genuinely don't know if I'm doing the right thing. AITA for not wanting to take them in? What would you do if you were me?
Readers were torn.
Some thought that taking on guardianship was too much to expect a young single woman to do.
NTA but it's a tough call, but you have to consider your own life too. Maybe there's a way to stay involved without full guardianship?
NTA. It's sad, but you can't be forced into such a huge commitment if you're not ready. Maybe look into other support options?
But some others were more forthright in their opinion, arguing there was only one right thing to do.
YTA if don't take these kids in. Family is family and they've just lost their mother. I can't believe you'd even think of putting them in foster care for even one second. They will need you and they will never forget if you abandon them and they will love you forever if you take them in.
The system is failing, for sure, but you will be failing big time if you don't adopt these kids.
So, is the OP an AH?
